In-between the driver and the passenger seat.
In-between finishing college and the real word.
In-between searching for my destiny and finding my destiny.
In-between uncertainty and understanding.
In-between losing and winning.
In-between jumping off the cliff and hitting the water.
In-between wondering and knowing.
In-between believing the lie and knowing it is a lie.
In-between going through life and truly living life.
In-between pride and humility.
In-between empty and filled completely.
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| Photo Credit: Lana Southwood |
So currently, I am working on being a permanent passenger and allowing God to direct me through life’s journey, but allowing that comes through years of pursuing His direction. I am learning.
I finished up my junior year of college the first of May and it is scary to acknowlegde that three years have come and gone. Where did the time go? I am officially a senior, two semester or one year left. Then it is here. The real world. No three month summer or breaks, just life. I desire to make the most of each moment, each memory, each word and each heartbeat. But, my heart aches. My friends graduated or transferred. Though my mind knows I am not alone. My heart feels lonely. The time in-between college and the real world are crucial to live to the utmost--but where do I begin?
My destiny is to the love the Jesus who has my back, and show His enthusiastic, awesome, merciful and passionate love to the world. But, how? I know my destiny, but I am clueless how to implement my destiny.
Uncertainty can also be defined as doubt or insecurity. For this I cling to Mark 9:24, "I believe, but help my unbelief." I know a lot, but knowledge without the ability to completely understand it is useless. Understanding without belief is even more useless.
I am uncertain of the job I desire after graduation. I am uncertain of how I truly am. I am uncertain of what I want. To make this easy, I do not have it all together. I am certain of one thing though, my Jesus loves me and you better believe I love Him too. Ask me anytime, I will show you, tell you and introduce you to my Jesus.
As an athlete I view life, athletics, academics and many others on a scale of if you are not winning you are losing. Simple. Precise. Real. But, is it true? Deep down I do not believe it is. Yet, I struggle living life as through it is not true. So, I am in-between losing and winning and the understanding there of.
Jumping off the cliff requires guts, confidence, leadership and risk. Those aspects do not bother me. I enjoy taking risk and the guts part is generational. Confidence to run and jump is present and the leadership is being groomed. It is hitting the water that concerns me. If you hit at the wrong angle, it is horribly painful. If you do not jump out far enough, you hit rocks and not water. In my daily life I am dangling in-between those two points. I am not ready to hit the water and start swimming. I want to live in the moment of risk, adventure and confidence. But, the real adventure begins when I hit the water, even if it is painful, and start to pursue and rush toward the place God has prepared for me.
In-between wondering and knowing. My mom often tells me I need to shut off my brain for a little awhile. Have you ever tried that? Let me warn you, it is easier said than done. My wondering embraces all areas of life. I wonder about the weather, qualifying in running, grades and more anything about what my future has in store for me. You cannot know your future until you are living it. So I shall forever be stuck in-between the wondering and knowing of my future.
Satan is too aware of the sin that so easily entangles me. He drags me down with the feeling of loneliness. He has me believing the lie that I am alone, when I am not. He throws the dart of not being good enough to accomplish my desire, which is a lie. I struggle with believing these lies. I am riding the fence of believing and knowing the lie. It is a constant battle, but one worth fighting.
Often I am so immersed in imagining, wondering and pondering upon my future that living the present becomes an obstacle. I forget to live and treasure each moment and memory because I am waiting for those yet to come. If I only wait for those to come, I will never embrace the miracle and wonders of today. Simple knowledge, but it is overlooked daily.
Today, I challenge myself to live each minute. To live a life of impact. To live to bless others and not myself. To live to love, and not to take. To live to embrace and not push away. To live and not rush past the moments of now.
Pride is mans greatest downfall. It is a downfall I have not escaped. It is a downfall I fight on a daily basis. I take pride in my athletic ability, my body and others aspects of who God made me to be. Humility in those areas gets pushed to the wayside. In Proverbs 16:18, it says pride comes before destruction. I am in-between letting pride go and picking up humility, I am learning to clothe myself in humility (First Peter 5:5). My prayer is that of Matthew 23:13, "Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who is humble, will be exalted." It is my turn to be humbled.
I am sitting at a table. I feel like every one's glass around me if completely full and running over. I desire to feel that completeness and running over of life, but something is not present. I am in-between being completely empty and completely full. Full of love, full of compassion, full of Jesus and full of desire. I am stuck in a rut and pushing through it.
If you every feel alone in your struggle--please do not. Nobody is perfect. Nobody has it all put together. Nobody has the answer to everything. These quirks make you unique. If you are stuck in the middle of in-between, you are not alone. This is a vogue we are on together. Remember, "I know the plans I have you thus declares the Lord," Jeremiah 29:11.
